Please Remember!

I have Lupus.  Many people know that, but do they really know it?  Have you ever had to repeat something so many times that you would just rather stab yourself in the eye with a dirty needle then say it one more time?  I loathe repeating myself over and over again. 

I have Lupus.  I feel like I am constantly repeating that, and it is getting so very old. 

I do have Lupus and I don't want to say it anymore.  Do you know how annoying it is when I have to explain it over and over?  It's been 2 years, why are people constantly asking me why I am so tired?!?! 

Why are people always giving me annoyed looks when I can't just jump up like a spring and get going or when I can't seem to get involved or seem just blah?

Once again, I have Lupus, which drains every single ounce of energy I have (even if I have only been awake for an hour), provides me with many aches and pains, keeps me as white as a newborn baby's butt, it has gifted me the joints of an 80-year-old, provided me with nice rosy cheeks like Santa, and a horribly foggy mind, which keeps me from understanding things quickly or helps me to forget so many things. 

Unless you have to rest after having a shower...
you have no idea what fatigue is!

I have been diagnosed with Lupus for about 2 years, and I have yet to not have to explain myself to someone for being too tired, out of it, or achy.  I mean, REALLY!?! 

Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I pay way too much attention to people when they tell me important things happening to them.  Maybe I care way too much about what others say and what is going on in their lives. 

Please, I beg of you, read about the Spoon Theory, just so you will understand what I go through on a daily basis.  If you don't want to read it, please, I beg of you, don't ask me why I am so tired.

Want Some Cheese with that Whine?

Uh, NO!  Hows about some cheesecake with it instead?  Okay people, I have been "dieting" for about 2 months now and have actually gained weight.  What really makes me mad is that my sister has lost 20 pounds so far and, unfortunately, I have found half of that weight, and added them to my thighs, hips, and stomach.  How did I find them you ask?

I have absolutely

NO SELF CONTROL

over these wonderful concoctions!  

If there is candy in a mile radius, I will definitely find it and I will definitely eat the heck out of it.  I am beginning to think that working at home is a horrible idea.  My desk is in the kitchen, which is the best place for a fatty to be all day, right?  With all of those snack cakes, leftovers, cookies, and candy.  I just can't win.  God forbid someone else be able to enjoy the ooey gooey goodness of all of that junk food and empty calories.  It just tastes and feels so good while you are eating it, but then, when you are done, you feel like a cow that has just grazed all day in the back 9 cornfield after the harvest.  

I am just going to blame the weather, and I think all Hoosiers will agree that Indiana weather absolutely sucks!  It's all the weathers fault because I would totally be outside all day exercising if it was warm out...right...

COME ON SPRING, SPRING ALREADY!

A few days in and....

Well, I'm a few days into my "diet" and I haven't had too much trouble.  Down 0.9 pound (almost a whole pound) and I have only been drinking one diet coke a day.  I have been drinking plenty of water and can really tell the difference.  Before, when I was drinking cola all day long, my throat was so dry, and my tongue felt like sandpaper.  I had to have a drink in hand at all hours of the day and it was getting to the point where my diet coke was my crutch.  Now, after only 2 days, my throat isn't dry at all, and I don't feel like I constantly need a drink by my side.  I have found it easy to start drinking more water with Mio Water Enhancer.  YUM!  My fav is the sweet tea, which I can drink all day long.  No calories! 

I am going to hopefully start my exercise routine tomorrow.  Fingers crossed for that.  I am hoping that the man downstairs doesn't break into my head and knock down my confidence.  He so tried to today, throwing me thoughts like, "what's the point!?"  "You can't lose the weight!"  "Those pants will never fit anyways."  So irritating, but I have been knocking him back down whenever he tries to do anything.  I just hope I can keep it up.  I usually do good with a diet or fast for a few days, and then slowly fall off the back of the wagon.  I just have to have strength and believe in myself!  I have been thinking about working on my crafts whenever I feel "hungry" or "bored".  I have so much to do with picture frames, painting, rearranging, hanging.  I also have tons of laundry and cleaning to do, so maybe I will get off my rear and start doing that! 

Now has to be the time...

In order to change something like a behavior, you have got to hit rock bottom right?  What happens if you have been dangling from the edge of a cliff, grasping on a fraying rope, for years?  Apparently, if you want to get something done, you have to let go of the friggin rope.  Bottom, here I come!  Or so I hope. 

I am the picture of an addict.  I HAVE to have diet in hand 100% of the time.  I HAVE NEVER been able to stop my hand from placing sweet delicacies into my pie hole.  I DON'T LISTEN when my head says,

"NO!"

Don't put that in your mouth!"

"It will just end up on those already husky hips of yours!"

I swear, no matter how it tasts, I will drink that horrid diet drink.  No matter if I'm hungry or not, I will shove that donut in my mouth.  I have absolutely ZERO self control.  I don't respect myself, I don't love myself, and I don't take care of myself.  I eat crappy food, drink crappy drinks, and do crappy things.  I can down over 44 ounces of diet soda in a day, plus at least 2 more 16 ounce bottles, I snack constantly, and I rock the slothing around better than Jabba the Hutt.  Hell, I could BE Jabba! 

I have finally decided, against all of my instincts and selfishness, that I have to finally let go of that fraying rope and hit the bottom of that ravine.  Hit it so hard that my head explodes, which it totally will.  I can't even imagine the headache I am going to have.  I have been drinking soda for centuries.  I always have to have a "diet coke to go," and I carry it around with me like my 4 year old son carries around his suckie.  I am so addicted, I think I would probably save a diet coke falling off a table before I would save my husband from being shot.  I know right?!?!   

I am a mom and a wife who has no control over herself.  I have began to realize that my unhappiness stems from me having no control over anything in my life.  I struggle every day to take control of something...anything, and I fail at that every...single...day.  This time, I am grabbing the reins and taking over.  I will probably fail many times, but that is something I will have to learn to overcome.  It won't be an overnight success, but such is life. 

Since I have had these addictions for so long, I think it would be best to take it one at a time, starting with the diet.  Oh, this will be hard.  HARD I TELL YOU!  How do you get rid of something so near and dear to your heart?  I have no idea how, but I know that I have to; not just for me, but for my whole family. 

Now, you may ask, "Kristin, why are you being a dork and writing a blog about this?"  And my answer would be, accountability.  In order to do something like this, you have to have someone holding you accountable.  So, to all my friends and family, I may be a total b*#$# in the coming days, weeks, and even months, but hold me accountable for my actions.  Help me out with this and help me be strong! 

P.S.:  If you see me with a diet in the coming days, weeks, and months, don't fret, I am weaning myself down.  This girl does not do cold turkey

Are you not ready to stop?  Check this out!